Snapshot

I just snugged four sweet angels into bed.

I want to describe them here. Lock this moment into place with words so I can come back and read it again when we're old a grey.

There's something about the way children look at you, with eyes that sparkle and shine. Eyes that when you see yourself reflecting back you feel like you're capable of anything.

Two sets of blue green eyes swirl like the ocean, changing every day. Eyes like great big drops of chocolate, that melt your heart. Little starburst eyes that smile at you, so that you think he must know a great secret.

I love those eyes.

But there's also something magical about bedtime.

I wonder someday if my body will remember what it feels like to carry a sleeping baby to bed? Will I feel Austin's weight nestled to my chest long after he's grown, the way his body molds to mine. Will I hear Alli's sleepy sighs in my dreams? The ones when I know she's fighting sleep, but she HAS to see this episode of Shake it Up. Will I remember the way I could never snugg Aidann tight enough, and that he gives the best bear hugs, the kind when you think if he squeezes you any tighter you might pop? Will I want to remember how many times we have to take Analeigh back to bed each night? How many times I've thought I would run out of patience only to find that her tiny little voice, and little brown curls can make me forget everything.

I want to remember them now. Just as they are. Four sweet little kiddos all tucked away into beds, because I know as all Mommies do, that these moments are precious and fleeting, and not to be taken for granted.

So I'll breathe it in... and soak it up....and remind myself to hug harder and snugg tighter for this brief time that they are mine.

It's heady stuff I tell ya.

Celebration

I thought I could be eloquent today. It's been so long since I wrote and there's so much to say, but it turns out today's not a day to worry about grammar and spelling or how well my words flow on the page. I just want to post pictures of my adorable baby and his kick butt circus themed party!!

Yesterday we celebrated a birth.



His Daddy is hairy to;)

(We have a stander folks!!)

One year of sweet Austin.

What do you do when a year has been both the longest and the shortest of your life?

 Go a little crazy maybe? Throw a party you say? Eat to much candy? Run away and join the circus?

Well we did a little of all of those.

We cut and glued and taped and decorated until it was just the right amount overly done, which is exactly how we like it here in the Harrison household.

OVER THE TOP

Or in this case over the "Big Top"

I even got to be the "bearded lady" I think it's a good look. Don't you?

One year ago Austin was born, and in our naivity he was not celebrated as he should have been.

On this day we did it right.

Happy birthday my sweet little ringmaster.

My birthday wish for you is that you're celebrated every day for the rest of your life

The following pictures were taken by Lisa Lotter of http://www.ll-gallery.com/ if you're local please check her out she is

A-MAY-ZING

This was supposed to be a Ringmasters Jacket in case you couldn't tell;)

Party credits:

Circus Photo Booth and Props-Walmart and Family Dollar- made by us!!

Popcorn cupcakes-white cupcakes frosted white-slit white marshmellows with an x, stick on, and spray with watered down yellow food coloring-made by us!!

 Fruit Bouguet-Edible Arrangements

Beautiful Boy

One year....

I don't know how to write this post....

So much to say and not enough time today, so I will write what I can for now.

You see one year ago as I waited to meet my boy I couldn't begin to imagine where life was about to take us. I couldn't imagine that I would soon hold my baby and feel so broken. I couldn't imagine the tears I would shed or the heartache I would feel.I couldn't imagine Down Syndrome.

I didn't know how to heal myself, but Austin did.

When I didn't think I was capable, he showed me that I was. When I cried, he smiled, and slowly the hurt was gone.

Down Syndrome was gone.

Oh that extra chromosome is still there, poking it's head up at the most inopportune times, reminding us that yeah we still do have to worry about some things that others don't.

But the Down Syndrome is gone.....or at least we don't see it.

One year ago today we mourned what we thought we lost......since then we've healed.

Today we celebrate!!!!

and tomorrow I will write a much better much longer post;)

A Blog, Two Birthdays, and a New House

Two birthdays and a move to a new house = No time to write

But........

I'll be back soon with lots of great new stuff and I'll hope you'll be here to read it.

The Princess and the Pee

No that's not a typo. I really said Pee.

You see here in the Harrison house we are not above bribery and for the last few months we've been promising Analiegh Rose a trip to "The Princess House" when she got potty trained.

And so a few days ago we put on our best princess clothes, and headed to Disney.

My oldest two have been a few times and honestly because we live so close The Magic Kingdom has lost some of its magic. I'd forgotten what it felt like to take a little one. The sparkle in their little eyes. The way they squeeze your hand oh so tightly. The gasp when they first step through the gates onto Main Street and see what lies ahead.

Taking Analiegh brought all back.

At first she was quiet. (No small feat for my tiny chatterbox) She sat on her Daddy's shoulders and just stared.

Where does the time go? Soon we'll be celebrating three, and it just doesn't seem possible. As we rode the carousel round and round I felt so very aware of it all. The ticking of the clock. The round and round of the carousel as a Nana looked on. I wondered if someday an older wiser me will be here again with a little brown eyed child so very much like mine.

The look on her face as we rode a tiny boat past 100s of singing dolls. She soaked it all in, and I got the play by play. "Look Mommy look, dere swingin, OOOh a boat a boat, Oh look I saw that dollies panties."

You know everyone hates that ride but me. I love it. I must be broken.

I seriously thought my heart could take no more.......and then we had lunch IN THE PALACE.

My little talker found her lost voice in Cinderella's Castle. She chatted with each princess like they were long lost friends, and when Ariel asked her if she had I prince, my sweet baby girl replied, "My Daddy's a prince."

Yes, sweet baby he is. We're so lucky to have him as our Daddy.

This day was one of those days you dream about. The kind you plan before you have babies that so rarely come true, and it's tucked away the memory bank to never be forgotten.

Writing Again

I love that this blog is a place for me to just be me, and right now you're going to get straight uncensored Julia.

I haven't been writing as much as I should.

I can tell because when I finally lay my head down on my pillow each night, the thoughts just spin and spin and spin around in there until I have to turn the TV on just tune them out.

I haven't been writing as much as I should, because I wonder what's the point?

If you read my last blog post you know how conflicted I've been. Sometimes I wonder if this blog makes a difference to anyone. Does this window into our lives mean anything, or is it just a silly hobby that should be left to the more talented writers?

I haven't been writing as much as I should because I want EVERY post to inspire you.

I hate walking away feeling like what I just posted wasn't my very best work. I want better for my  readers. I expect better from myself.

I don't know where this blog will take me. I know that I could stop today and the world would probably never miss another so-so mommy blogger. I know it would be easy to quit. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have hundreds of followers checking your blog each day hoping to find a new post. I'm not there and I probably never will be and sometimes that bothers me to. The competitor in me wants more, and the writer in me wonders if I have it in me to give.

Another mommy blogger thinks I do. Kathy over at mydishwasherspossessed recently awarded me and several other talented women with....... (drum roll please!!!!!)

This award is just something that we bloggers give each other as kind of a virtual gold star, and I'm all about gold stars, especially when they come from another person whose writing I admire so much.

Kathy is so very talented. Sometimes I feel like we were destined to be bloggy buddies, so much feeling in every post. I feel like I know her after just reading her work for a few short months. As part of excepting the award I'm supposed to share seven things you might now know about me, and share this award with 10-15 other bloggers who I admire. So here goes.

1.) I'm get really anxious if I'm not in control

2.)I'm a really bad driver....Not kidding horrible.

3.)I boycotted facebook until recently

4.)I just got a facebook for this blog so please friend me (Julia Harrison) and "Like" The Momologue fan   page

5.)I'm a speed reader

6.)My husband and I met on eharmony....Not kidding....total fairy tale man...send all your single friends there. It works

7.)I have super powers...I can tell if brownies are done just by smelling them;)

Blogs of Note:

http://mydishwasherspossessed.blogspot.com/- of course Im giving it back

http://www.kellehampton.com/ okay so this mommy is famous and doesn't need any awards from me but I had to throw her in here-

http://wwwourunexpectedjourney.blogspot.com/ when we first got our diagnoses I worried about what my Austin might look like. Adrienne's son Bennet was one of the first pictures I saw and my heart melted. This sweet boy was one of the first steps of healing and now I love to read all about the mama who made him.

http://myshtub.blogspot.com/- I read Sheva's blog because it's unique and also because our views on Down Syndrome are somewhat different and I thinks its good and healthy to have different perspectives. Her blog is my food for thought.

http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/ another momma who doesn't need traffic from me- but here she is

http://www.thefashionmom.com/ "Guilty pleasure" but she posts THE MOST adorable outfits every day and it's nice to be reminded that Mommies can be fashionable. She's from Belguim and has such a different lifestyle than me but she's also just a mommy who loves her babies!! Oh and she's the best follower

http://www.allthingsthrifty.com/ home decor on a budget-yum!!

http://www.theredneckmommy.com/ don't let the title fool you

I know this is only eight but I can't choose between the rest. I follow so many great Down Syndrome blogs, most of which are new Mommies just starting out on this path and I just can't choose between them. I want to give them all this award!!

The Hurt

Eight months ago I had the perfect life.

Eight months ago I clutched my stomach and relished the pain that meant that I would soon hold my newest boy in my arms.

Eight months ago Austin was born with an extra chromosome and the pain that I had felt from his birth was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I cried for my lost grandchildren, and for the boy who I thought wouldn't look like me, I cried for everything I thought I'd lost.

This place is an honest place.

I cried for me.

And then I stopped crying and started learning, and since those first few days my fears have been proven false, and my tears were spent.

And then I saw a video . A recent social experiment filmed for a major network, titled "What Would You Do?" In this episode a young actor with Down Syndrome posing as a grocery bagger is berated by several types of people to see how the public responds.

At first I watched with a smile on my face. This young man could very well be my Austin twenty years from now. I just wanted to reach through my screen, push back his stray lock of hair, and tell him how great he was. But then the "experiment" started, and when the fake insults came I thought I was prepared.

"Oh my God could you go any slower?"

"Ugh, I had to pick the retard line"

"Can you believe they hire these people?"

It when on and on and on. And every word was an arrow through my heart. And I cried.

This is an honest place.

I cried for him.

I went sobbing to bed, and as my husband rocked me back and forth I said. "It's so pointless. No matter how good he his, no matter how hard he tries, it just doesn't matter, because it won't matter to them."

I lost my hope that night. I watched Austin sleep and the despair that I felt in those first few days started to creep back. I was shaken to my very core, because no matter how far advocacy has come it's not far enough. Yes these people were actors, but this is our reality. Yes people stood up against those hurtful words, but those words are still used so often. And I can't protect my baby.

Sometimes this mountain that we're climbing seems so high. I know we will get there. I know that my hope will come back, because I believe in Austin, and I believe in humanity, and I will raise him to know, as one women on the video so eloquently put it, that "people with the biggest disabilities are most often the ones you can't see."

The Filler

Every few days I sit at this computer and write. Sometimes it's easy. During those times I know exactly what to write, and words flow like water from my fingertips as I spill all of my swirling thoughts onto the page. I love those days. When I finally click the publish button and feel confident that what I just wrote is exactly what I intended it to be. On the flip side of the coin many times I sit and wait, and wait, and wait. And when the words finally do come they're not what I want and I cant get it right now matter how hard I try.

Those posts are ok. Just ok. Nothing great. Nothing spectacular.

Those posts are the filler.

And yeah honestly I'm not a big fan of it, but I'm trying to cut myself some slack here because honestly....life is mostly filler.

My CubScout @ Pinewood Derby

It's all those little moments that add up and make our lives full and well rounded. Like my Aidann winning second place in his "troop" during cubscout races, and going up against the big "Den" boys during finals. My boy lost his race but you couldn't tell. He was just happy to be there.

The filler is these beautiful days we've been having here. The kind where my kids beg me to let them play outside for just a little bit longer, and I let them because I don't want the day to end either. Where Fridays are celebrated with cupcakes because it means the weekend's here.

Where Dr Seuss's Birthday and National Pancake Day collide in a wondrous dinner that is.....

Green Eggs but not Green Ham and Pancakes.

(Ok so the kids had green ham but I would not eat it on a train, or on a bus, or in a plane)

And I'm telling myself to be more like Aidann. Every post might not be "a winner", but I'm just happy to be here.

Yes we all have moments that define us. Moments that stretch and shape our very souls. Moments that make us who we are.

We all have moments that define us but it's the filler that sustains us.

Love the filler.

What to Say

I've always been pretty good with words, but I've found that most often when my skill forsakes me it's when it's needed the most.  When my talent counts, when it's really needed, I never know what to say. It's frustrating to feel that way. Almost useless. This is a post for when you don't know what to say to me, two little things that can mean everything.

Whatever your feeling is okay.
There are days when I'm angry, when I think there is injustice in the fact that people call my sweet Austin a "Downy or a Downs Kid" like he has no identity. There are times when seeing a new baby pushes on those tender places still in my heart, and I wish I could get back those first few weeks when I didn't know what I held in my arms. There are moments when I feel relieved that he's doing so well and then guilty because I feel relieved, days when I think I know exactly what I'm doing only to realize I don't know what the hell I'm doing at all and all that confidence slips away. Occasionally I let myself wallow in self pity about silly little things that really don't mean anything and yet they do. And sometimes. No most times, I am blissfully at peace.

I love you.
Because really that's all I need to hear.

Two small sentences.

Eight little words.

Things we all need to know.

Whatever your feeling is okay. I love you.

Weaving the Cloth

Today I sit and wait for inspiration to come.

Click...Click...Click...Backspace...Backspace...Backspace...

As pandora plays softly in the background a new song comes on and I flip through file after file of photographs.

Life's not the breath you take, breathing in and out

That gets you through the day, it ain't what it's all about



Austin is to little for Mcdonalds but I think he knows what he's missing



You just might miss the point, trying to win the race

Life's not the breath you take, but the moments that take your breath away



Remember the cloth that is our life? The one of many different threads seamlessy weaving in and out. Each day the pattern becomes more vibrant, ever changing as we weave. I pour my heart and soul into it's making, and though we've veered from the pattern I had planned, I've discovered this one suits me. The moments that take our breath away are here all the time, if we take the time to appreciate them.

 

.

Spring in Pennslyvania

Today I saw a flock of geese. They were black specks against a brilliant blue sky, holding formation steadily as their instincts urge them ever faster towards their northern home. For a moment as I gazed at these tireless travelers I felt a pang deep in my heart for the north that I left nearly ten years ago.

As I type this old man winter is growing weary, ever tired of the steady onslaught of sleet and snow, he is nearly ready to pass the torch of the changing season. Everywhere people watch eagerly for the first sign of springs approach, the geese will fly home, and the robins will bare red breasts as they herald the awakening of the earth. Spring could almost go unnoticed as crocus and daffodils peep their courageous heads through melting piles of remaining snow, but soon the hills of Pennsylvania will be awash with green. Spring will be sprung in all sorts of beautiful ways that I took for granted growing up and now as I write about somehow fall short. I miss it all today, the fragrance of Lilacs, and the search for Pussy Willows along bubbling creeks. Standing under trees full of blossoms and feeling enchanted as petals fall softly around you.

Photo from www.enjoygardening.com

Pennsylvania I miss you, mostly because you have some unnatural hold on the folk that share my blood, also I love you a little, but seriously can you beat this?

The slow pace of the southern day.....

My two oldest...Growing so quickly....

 to the even slower pace of a romantic stroll under spanish moss on a moonlit southern night.

Can you find anything sweeter than the first Ice Cream cone of the year? Especially when it comes in February with eighty degrees and a cooling breeze, with one of the most adorable toddler girls ever in the history on man. 

I think not.....but you'll always have a place in my heart.