The Princess and the Pee

No that's not a typo. I really said Pee.

You see here in the Harrison house we are not above bribery and for the last few months we've been promising Analiegh Rose a trip to "The Princess House" when she got potty trained.

And so a few days ago we put on our best princess clothes, and headed to Disney.

My oldest two have been a few times and honestly because we live so close The Magic Kingdom has lost some of its magic. I'd forgotten what it felt like to take a little one. The sparkle in their little eyes. The way they squeeze your hand oh so tightly. The gasp when they first step through the gates onto Main Street and see what lies ahead.

Taking Analiegh brought all back.

At first she was quiet. (No small feat for my tiny chatterbox) She sat on her Daddy's shoulders and just stared.

Where does the time go? Soon we'll be celebrating three, and it just doesn't seem possible. As we rode the carousel round and round I felt so very aware of it all. The ticking of the clock. The round and round of the carousel as a Nana looked on. I wondered if someday an older wiser me will be here again with a little brown eyed child so very much like mine.

The look on her face as we rode a tiny boat past 100s of singing dolls. She soaked it all in, and I got the play by play. "Look Mommy look, dere swingin, OOOh a boat a boat, Oh look I saw that dollies panties."

You know everyone hates that ride but me. I love it. I must be broken.

I seriously thought my heart could take no more.......and then we had lunch IN THE PALACE.

My little talker found her lost voice in Cinderella's Castle. She chatted with each princess like they were long lost friends, and when Ariel asked her if she had I prince, my sweet baby girl replied, "My Daddy's a prince."

Yes, sweet baby he is. We're so lucky to have him as our Daddy.

This day was one of those days you dream about. The kind you plan before you have babies that so rarely come true, and it's tucked away the memory bank to never be forgotten.

Writing Again

I love that this blog is a place for me to just be me, and right now you're going to get straight uncensored Julia.

I haven't been writing as much as I should.

I can tell because when I finally lay my head down on my pillow each night, the thoughts just spin and spin and spin around in there until I have to turn the TV on just tune them out.

I haven't been writing as much as I should, because I wonder what's the point?

If you read my last blog post you know how conflicted I've been. Sometimes I wonder if this blog makes a difference to anyone. Does this window into our lives mean anything, or is it just a silly hobby that should be left to the more talented writers?

I haven't been writing as much as I should because I want EVERY post to inspire you.

I hate walking away feeling like what I just posted wasn't my very best work. I want better for my  readers. I expect better from myself.

I don't know where this blog will take me. I know that I could stop today and the world would probably never miss another so-so mommy blogger. I know it would be easy to quit. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have hundreds of followers checking your blog each day hoping to find a new post. I'm not there and I probably never will be and sometimes that bothers me to. The competitor in me wants more, and the writer in me wonders if I have it in me to give.

Another mommy blogger thinks I do. Kathy over at mydishwasherspossessed recently awarded me and several other talented women with....... (drum roll please!!!!!)

This award is just something that we bloggers give each other as kind of a virtual gold star, and I'm all about gold stars, especially when they come from another person whose writing I admire so much.

Kathy is so very talented. Sometimes I feel like we were destined to be bloggy buddies, so much feeling in every post. I feel like I know her after just reading her work for a few short months. As part of excepting the award I'm supposed to share seven things you might now know about me, and share this award with 10-15 other bloggers who I admire. So here goes.

1.) I'm get really anxious if I'm not in control

2.)I'm a really bad driver....Not kidding horrible.

3.)I boycotted facebook until recently

4.)I just got a facebook for this blog so please friend me (Julia Harrison) and "Like" The Momologue fan   page

5.)I'm a speed reader

6.)My husband and I met on eharmony....Not kidding....total fairy tale man...send all your single friends there. It works

7.)I have super powers...I can tell if brownies are done just by smelling them;)

Blogs of Note:

http://mydishwasherspossessed.blogspot.com/- of course Im giving it back

http://www.kellehampton.com/ okay so this mommy is famous and doesn't need any awards from me but I had to throw her in here-

http://wwwourunexpectedjourney.blogspot.com/ when we first got our diagnoses I worried about what my Austin might look like. Adrienne's son Bennet was one of the first pictures I saw and my heart melted. This sweet boy was one of the first steps of healing and now I love to read all about the mama who made him.

http://myshtub.blogspot.com/- I read Sheva's blog because it's unique and also because our views on Down Syndrome are somewhat different and I thinks its good and healthy to have different perspectives. Her blog is my food for thought.

http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/ another momma who doesn't need traffic from me- but here she is

http://www.thefashionmom.com/ "Guilty pleasure" but she posts THE MOST adorable outfits every day and it's nice to be reminded that Mommies can be fashionable. She's from Belguim and has such a different lifestyle than me but she's also just a mommy who loves her babies!! Oh and she's the best follower

http://www.allthingsthrifty.com/ home decor on a budget-yum!!

http://www.theredneckmommy.com/ don't let the title fool you

I know this is only eight but I can't choose between the rest. I follow so many great Down Syndrome blogs, most of which are new Mommies just starting out on this path and I just can't choose between them. I want to give them all this award!!

The Hurt

Eight months ago I had the perfect life.

Eight months ago I clutched my stomach and relished the pain that meant that I would soon hold my newest boy in my arms.

Eight months ago Austin was born with an extra chromosome and the pain that I had felt from his birth was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I cried for my lost grandchildren, and for the boy who I thought wouldn't look like me, I cried for everything I thought I'd lost.

This place is an honest place.

I cried for me.

And then I stopped crying and started learning, and since those first few days my fears have been proven false, and my tears were spent.

And then I saw a video . A recent social experiment filmed for a major network, titled "What Would You Do?" In this episode a young actor with Down Syndrome posing as a grocery bagger is berated by several types of people to see how the public responds.

At first I watched with a smile on my face. This young man could very well be my Austin twenty years from now. I just wanted to reach through my screen, push back his stray lock of hair, and tell him how great he was. But then the "experiment" started, and when the fake insults came I thought I was prepared.

"Oh my God could you go any slower?"

"Ugh, I had to pick the retard line"

"Can you believe they hire these people?"

It when on and on and on. And every word was an arrow through my heart. And I cried.

This is an honest place.

I cried for him.

I went sobbing to bed, and as my husband rocked me back and forth I said. "It's so pointless. No matter how good he his, no matter how hard he tries, it just doesn't matter, because it won't matter to them."

I lost my hope that night. I watched Austin sleep and the despair that I felt in those first few days started to creep back. I was shaken to my very core, because no matter how far advocacy has come it's not far enough. Yes these people were actors, but this is our reality. Yes people stood up against those hurtful words, but those words are still used so often. And I can't protect my baby.

Sometimes this mountain that we're climbing seems so high. I know we will get there. I know that my hope will come back, because I believe in Austin, and I believe in humanity, and I will raise him to know, as one women on the video so eloquently put it, that "people with the biggest disabilities are most often the ones you can't see."

The Filler

Every few days I sit at this computer and write. Sometimes it's easy. During those times I know exactly what to write, and words flow like water from my fingertips as I spill all of my swirling thoughts onto the page. I love those days. When I finally click the publish button and feel confident that what I just wrote is exactly what I intended it to be. On the flip side of the coin many times I sit and wait, and wait, and wait. And when the words finally do come they're not what I want and I cant get it right now matter how hard I try.

Those posts are ok. Just ok. Nothing great. Nothing spectacular.

Those posts are the filler.

And yeah honestly I'm not a big fan of it, but I'm trying to cut myself some slack here because honestly....life is mostly filler.

My CubScout @ Pinewood Derby

It's all those little moments that add up and make our lives full and well rounded. Like my Aidann winning second place in his "troop" during cubscout races, and going up against the big "Den" boys during finals. My boy lost his race but you couldn't tell. He was just happy to be there.

The filler is these beautiful days we've been having here. The kind where my kids beg me to let them play outside for just a little bit longer, and I let them because I don't want the day to end either. Where Fridays are celebrated with cupcakes because it means the weekend's here.

Where Dr Seuss's Birthday and National Pancake Day collide in a wondrous dinner that is.....

Green Eggs but not Green Ham and Pancakes.

(Ok so the kids had green ham but I would not eat it on a train, or on a bus, or in a plane)

And I'm telling myself to be more like Aidann. Every post might not be "a winner", but I'm just happy to be here.

Yes we all have moments that define us. Moments that stretch and shape our very souls. Moments that make us who we are.

We all have moments that define us but it's the filler that sustains us.

Love the filler.