MOMologue

Snapshot

2011-09-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

I just snugged four sweet angels into bed.

I want to describe them here. Lock this moment into place with words so I can come back and read it again when we're old a grey.

There's something about the way children look at you, with eyes that sparkle and shine. Eyes that when you see yourself reflecting back you feel like you're capable of anything.

Two sets of blue green eyes swirl like the ocean, changing every day. Eyes like great big drops of chocolate, that melt your heart. Little starburst eyes that smile at you, so that you think he must know a great secret.

I love those eyes.

But there's also something magical about bedtime.

I wonder someday if my body will remember what it feels like to carry a sleeping baby to bed? Will I feel Austin's weight nestled to my chest long after he's grown, the way his body molds to mine. Will I hear Alli's sleepy sighs in my dreams? The ones when I know she's fighting sleep, but she HAS to see this episode of Shake it Up. Will I remember the way I could never snugg Aidann tight enough, and that he gives the best bear hugs, the kind when you think if he squeezes you any tighter you might pop? Will I want to remember how many times we have to take Analeigh back to bed each night? How many times I've thought I would run out of patience only to find that her tiny little voice, and little brown curls can make me forget everything.

I want to remember them now. Just as they are. Four sweet little kiddos all tucked away into beds, because I know as all Mommies do, that these moments are precious and fleeting, and not to be taken for granted.

So I'll breathe it in... and soak it up....and remind myself to hug harder and snugg tighter for this brief time that they are mine.

It's heady stuff I tell ya.

Celebration

2011-07-29T19:10:00.000-07:00

I thought I could be eloquent today. It's been so long since I wrote and there's so much to say, but it turns out today's not a day to worry about grammar and spelling or how well my words flow on the page. I just want to post pictures of my adorable baby and his kick butt circus themed party!!

Yesterday we celebrated a birth.

His Daddy is hairy to;)

(We have a stander folks!!)

One year of sweet Austin.

What do you do when a year has been both the longest and the shortest of your life?

Go a little crazy maybe? Throw a party you say? Eat to much candy? Run away and join the circus?

Well we did a little of all of those.

We cut and glued and taped and decorated until it was just the right amount overly done, which is exactly how we like it here in the Harrison household.

OVER THE TOP

Or in this case over the "Big Top"

I even got to be the "bearded lady" I think it's a good look. Don't you?

One year ago Austin was born, and in our naivity he was not celebrated as he should have been.

On this day we did it right.

Happy birthday my sweet little ringmaster.

My birthday wish for you is that you're celebrated every day for the rest of your life

The following pictures were taken by Lisa Lotter of http://www.ll-gallery.com/ if you're local please check her out she is

A-MAY-ZING

This was supposed to be a Ringmasters Jacket in case you couldn't tell;)

Party credits:

Circus Photo Booth and Props-Walmart and Family Dollar- made by us!!

Popcorn cupcakes-white cupcakes frosted white-slit white marshmellows with an x, stick on, and spray with watered down yellow food coloring-made by us!!

Fruit Bouguet-Edible Arrangements

Beautiful Boy

2011-07-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

One year....

I don't know how to write this post....

So much to say and not enough time today, so I will write what I can for now.

You see one year ago as I waited to meet my boy I couldn't begin to imagine where life was about to take us. I couldn't imagine that I would soon hold my baby and feel so broken. I couldn't imagine the tears I would shed or the heartache I would feel.I couldn't imagine Down Syndrome.

I didn't know how to heal myself, but Austin did.

When I didn't think I was capable, he showed me that I was. When I cried, he smiled, and slowly the hurt was gone.

Down Syndrome was gone.

Oh that extra chromosome is still there, poking it's head up at the most inopportune times, reminding us that yeah we still do have to worry about some things that others don't.

But the Down Syndrome is gone.....or at least we don't see it.

One year ago today we mourned what we thought we lost......since then we've healed.

Today we celebrate!!!!

and tomorrow I will write a much better much longer post;)

A Blog, Two Birthdays, and a New House

2011-04-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

Two birthdays and a move to a new house = No time to write

But........

I'll be back soon with lots of great new stuff and I'll hope you'll be here to read it.

The Princess and the Pee

2011-03-31T18:51:00.000-07:00

No that's not a typo. I really said Pee.

You see here in the Harrison house we are not above bribery and for the last few months we've been promising Analiegh Rose a trip to "The Princess House" when she got potty trained.

And so a few days ago we put on our best princess clothes, and headed to Disney.

My oldest two have been a few times and honestly because we live so close The Magic Kingdom has lost some of its magic. I'd forgotten what it felt like to take a little one. The sparkle in their little eyes. The way they squeeze your hand oh so tightly. The gasp when they first step through the gates onto Main Street and see what lies ahead.

Taking Analiegh brought all back.

At first she was quiet. (No small feat for my tiny chatterbox) She sat on her Daddy's shoulders and just stared.

Where does the time go? Soon we'll be celebrating three, and it just doesn't seem possible. As we rode the carousel round and round I felt so very aware of it all. The ticking of the clock. The round and round of the carousel as a Nana looked on. I wondered if someday an older wiser me will be here again with a little brown eyed child so very much like mine.

The look on her face as we rode a tiny boat past 100s of singing dolls. She soaked it all in, and I got the play by play. "Look Mommy look, dere swingin, OOOh a boat a boat, Oh look I saw that dollies panties."

You know everyone hates that ride but me. I love it. I must be broken.

I seriously thought my heart could take no more.......and then we had lunch IN THE PALACE.

My little talker found her lost voice in Cinderella's Castle. She chatted with each princess like they were long lost friends, and when Ariel asked her if she had I prince, my sweet baby girl replied, "My Daddy's a prince."

Yes, sweet baby he is. We're so lucky to have him as our Daddy.

This day was one of those days you dream about. The kind you plan before you have babies that so rarely come true, and it's tucked away the memory bank to never be forgotten.

Writing Again

2011-03-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

I love that this blog is a place for me to just be me, and right now you're going to get straight uncensored Julia.

I haven't been writing as much as I should.

I can tell because when I finally lay my head down on my pillow each night, the thoughts just spin and spin and spin around in there until I have to turn the TV on just tune them out.

I haven't been writing as much as I should, because I wonder what's the point?

If you read my last blog post you know how conflicted I've been. Sometimes I wonder if this blog makes a difference to anyone. Does this window into our lives mean anything, or is it just a silly hobby that should be left to the more talented writers?

I haven't been writing as much as I should because I want EVERY post to inspire you.

I hate walking away feeling like what I just posted wasn't my very best work. I want better for my readers. I expect better from myself.

I don't know where this blog will take me. I know that I could stop today and the world would probably never miss another so-so mommy blogger. I know it would be easy to quit. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have hundreds of followers checking your blog each day hoping to find a new post. I'm not there and I probably never will be and sometimes that bothers me to. The competitor in me wants more, and the writer in me wonders if I have it in me to give.

Another mommy blogger thinks I do. Kathy over at mydishwasherspossessed recently awarded me and several other talented women with....... (drum roll please!!!!!)

This award is just something that we bloggers give each other as kind of a virtual gold star, and I'm all about gold stars, especially when they come from another person whose writing I admire so much.

Kathy is so very talented. Sometimes I feel like we were destined to be bloggy buddies, so much feeling in every post. I feel like I know her after just reading her work for a few short months. As part of excepting the award I'm supposed to share seven things you might now know about me, and share this award with 10-15 other bloggers who I admire. So here goes.

1.) I'm get really anxious if I'm not in control

2.)I'm a really bad driver....Not kidding horrible.

3.)I boycotted facebook until recently

4.)I just got a facebook for this blog so please friend me (Julia Harrison) and "Like" The Momologue fan page

5.)I'm a speed reader

6.)My husband and I met on eharmony....Not kidding....total fairy tale man...send all your single friends there. It works

7.)I have super powers...I can tell if brownies are done just by smelling them;)

Blogs of Note:

http://mydishwasherspossessed.blogspot.com/- of course Im giving it back

http://www.kellehampton.com/ okay so this mommy is famous and doesn't need any awards from me but I had to throw her in here-

http://wwwourunexpectedjourney.blogspot.com/ when we first got our diagnoses I worried about what my Austin might look like. Adrienne's son Bennet was one of the first pictures I saw and my heart melted. This sweet boy was one of the first steps of healing and now I love to read all about the mama who made him.

http://myshtub.blogspot.com/- I read Sheva's blog because it's unique and also because our views on Down Syndrome are somewhat different and I thinks its good and healthy to have different perspectives. Her blog is my food for thought.

http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/ another momma who doesn't need traffic from me- but here she is

http://www.thefashionmom.com/ "Guilty pleasure" but she posts THE MOST adorable outfits every day and it's nice to be reminded that Mommies can be fashionable. She's from Belguim and has such a different lifestyle than me but she's also just a mommy who loves her babies!! Oh and she's the best follower

http://www.allthingsthrifty.com/ home decor on a budget-yum!!

http://www.theredneckmommy.com/ don't let the title fool you

I know this is only eight but I can't choose between the rest. I follow so many great Down Syndrome blogs, most of which are new Mommies just starting out on this path and I just can't choose between them. I want to give them all this award!!

The Hurt

2011-03-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

Eight months ago I had the perfect life.

Eight months ago I clutched my stomach and relished the pain that meant that I would soon hold my newest boy in my arms.

Eight months ago Austin was born with an extra chromosome and the pain that I had felt from his birth was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I cried for my lost grandchildren, and for the boy who I thought wouldn't look like me, I cried for everything I thought I'd lost.

This place is an honest place.

I cried for me.

And then I stopped crying and started learning, and since those first few days my fears have been proven false, and my tears were spent.

And then I saw a video . A recent social experiment filmed for a major network, titled "What Would You Do?" In this episode a young actor with Down Syndrome posing as a grocery bagger is berated by several types of people to see how the public responds.

At first I watched with a smile on my face. This young man could very well be my Austin twenty years from now. I just wanted to reach through my screen, push back his stray lock of hair, and tell him how great he was. But then the "experiment" started, and when the fake insults came I thought I was prepared.

"Oh my God could you go any slower?"

"Ugh, I had to pick the retard line"

"Can you believe they hire these people?"

It when on and on and on. And every word was an arrow through my heart. And I cried.

This is an honest place.

I cried for him.

I went sobbing to bed, and as my husband rocked me back and forth I said. "It's so pointless. No matter how good he his, no matter how hard he tries, it just doesn't matter, because it won't matter to them."

I lost my hope that night. I watched Austin sleep and the despair that I felt in those first few days started to creep back. I was shaken to my very core, because no matter how far advocacy has come it's not far enough. Yes these people were actors, but this is our reality. Yes people stood up against those hurtful words, but those words are still used so often. And I can't protect my baby.

Sometimes this mountain that we're climbing seems so high. I know we will get there. I know that my hope will come back, because I believe in Austin, and I believe in humanity, and I will raise him to know, as one women on the video so eloquently put it, that "people with the biggest disabilities are most often the ones you can't see."

The Filler

2011-03-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

Every few days I sit at this computer and write. Sometimes it's easy. During those times I know exactly what to write, and words flow like water from my fingertips as I spill all of my swirling thoughts onto the page. I love those days. When I finally click the publish button and feel confident that what I just wrote is exactly what I intended it to be. On the flip side of the coin many times I sit and wait, and wait, and wait. And when the words finally do come they're not what I want and I cant get it right now matter how hard I try.

Those posts are ok. Just ok. Nothing great. Nothing spectacular.

Those posts are the filler.

And yeah honestly I'm not a big fan of it, but I'm trying to cut myself some slack here because honestly....life is mostly filler.

My CubScout @ Pinewood Derby

It's all those little moments that add up and make our lives full and well rounded. Like my Aidann winning second place in his "troop" during cubscout races, and going up against the big "Den" boys during finals. My boy lost his race but you couldn't tell. He was just happy to be there.

The filler is these beautiful days we've been having here. The kind where my kids beg me to let them play outside for just a little bit longer, and I let them because I don't want the day to end either. Where Fridays are celebrated with cupcakes because it means the weekend's here.

Where Dr Seuss's Birthday and National Pancake Day collide in a wondrous dinner that is.....

Green Eggs but not Green Ham and Pancakes.

(Ok so the kids had green ham but I would not eat it on a train, or on a bus, or in a plane)

And I'm telling myself to be more like Aidann. Every post might not be "a winner", but I'm just happy to be here.

Yes we all have moments that define us. Moments that stretch and shape our very souls. Moments that make us who we are.

We all have moments that define us but it's the filler that sustains us.

Love the filler.

What to Say

2011-02-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

I've always been pretty good with words, but I've found that most often when my skill forsakes me it's when it's needed the most. When my talent counts, when it's really needed, I never know what to say. It's frustrating to feel that way. Almost useless. This is a post for when you don't know what to say to me, two little things that can mean everything.

Whatever your feeling is okay.
There are days when I'm angry, when I think there is injustice in the fact that people call my sweet Austin a "Downy or a Downs Kid" like he has no identity. There are times when seeing a new baby pushes on those tender places still in my heart, and I wish I could get back those first few weeks when I didn't know what I held in my arms. There are moments when I feel relieved that he's doing so well and then guilty because I feel relieved, days when I think I know exactly what I'm doing only to realize I don't know what the hell I'm doing at all and all that confidence slips away. Occasionally I let myself wallow in self pity about silly little things that really don't mean anything and yet they do. And sometimes. No most times, I am blissfully at peace.

I love you.
Because really that's all I need to hear.

Two small sentences.

Eight little words.

Things we all need to know.

Whatever your feeling is okay. I love you.

Weaving the Cloth

2011-02-24T19:26:00.000-08:00

Today I sit and wait for inspiration to come.

Click...Click...Click...Backspace...Backspace...Backspace...

As pandora plays softly in the background a new song comes on and I flip through file after file of photographs.

Life's not the breath you take, breathing in and out

That gets you through the day, it ain't what it's all about

Austin is to little for Mcdonalds but I think he knows what he's missing

You just might miss the point, trying to win the race

Life's not the breath you take, but the moments that take your breath away

Remember the cloth that is our life? The one of many different threads seamlessy weaving in and out. Each day the pattern becomes more vibrant, ever changing as we weave. I pour my heart and soul into it's making, and though we've veered from the pattern I had planned, I've discovered this one suits me. The moments that take our breath away are here all the time, if we take the time to appreciate them.

Spring in Pennslyvania

2011-02-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

Today I saw a flock of geese. They were black specks against a brilliant blue sky, holding formation steadily as their instincts urge them ever faster towards their northern home. For a moment as I gazed at these tireless travelers I felt a pang deep in my heart for the north that I left nearly ten years ago.

As I type this old man winter is growing weary, ever tired of the steady onslaught of sleet and snow, he is nearly ready to pass the torch of the changing season. Everywhere people watch eagerly for the first sign of springs approach, the geese will fly home, and the robins will bare red breasts as they herald the awakening of the earth. Spring could almost go unnoticed as crocus and daffodils peep their courageous heads through melting piles of remaining snow, but soon the hills of Pennsylvania will be awash with green. Spring will be sprung in all sorts of beautiful ways that I took for granted growing up and now as I write about somehow fall short. I miss it all today, the fragrance of Lilacs, and the search for Pussy Willows along bubbling creeks. Standing under trees full of blossoms and feeling enchanted as petals fall softly around you.

Photo from www.enjoygardening.com

Pennsylvania I miss you, mostly because you have some unnatural hold on the folk that share my blood, also I love you a little, but seriously can you beat this?

The slow pace of the southern day.....

My two oldest...Growing so quickly....

to the even slower pace of a romantic stroll under spanish moss on a moonlit southern night.

Can you find anything sweeter than the first Ice Cream cone of the year? Especially when it comes in February with eighty degrees and a cooling breeze, with one of the most adorable toddler girls ever in the history on man.

I think not.....but you'll always have a place in my heart.

Just Stopping By

2011-02-18T19:15:00.000-08:00

Really quick tonight guys cause I've got a husband who's not asleep and I'm trying really hard to get to bed before that changes.
Today I get a gold star on my mommy award board. Here's why:

A)Austin had a playdate this morning with the most adorable little girl. I tried really hard to impress her mommy (like I actually FOLDED laundry). I mean she has to like me if we're going to be in-laws someday right?

Blog meet Amalia and Austin......

It's so funny when how our little chromosomally enhanced littles join us together in so many amazing ways. Not to mention that Amalia's brother Ethan looks pretty darn cute with my Analeigh Rose. Just sayin...

B)After said playdate I worked, had a yummy lunch date with hubby, went back to work........

C)Took the kids to the State Park where I taught them to appreciate the wildlife and that turtles ALWAYS have the right of way...

D)Made sure Austin got some extra fiber in his diet while his big brother and sisters played in the lake

Then realized....

ooops......

E)After my rule breaking spell,unintentional though it was, I was determined to show my children the correct way to behave. So we stopped at this sign and I explained to them that in America we always drive on the right hand side, and then I showed them how they drive in Europe. (Not really...I totally stayed on the right, there was a car coming after all)

F)Even though I had to get home and do bath time and dinner and make phone calls and blog.....(my mother in-law is cringing after all those ands) we still made time to enjoy the sunset together.

No aha moment....no metaphors.....

Just me and four sleepy babies watching the close of another day, with the promise of another together tomorrow.

Happy Friday!!

A Walk in Someone Elses Shoes

2011-02-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what the cashier that struggles with words wanted to be when he grew up?

Do you see a mother with a new baby that looks a little different and feel sorry for her?

When you see something unfamiliar and uncomfortable do you avert your eyes and then think how lucky you are?

I remember the first time someone told me I had compassion. I was in the 5th grade. My teacher had gone over our daily writing assignment and left me a note. "Julia, you write with such compassion. I'm so proud to be your teacher." Over the years I've done my best to live up to that word, and I've always thought I did a good job.

It's not true.

I never understood. Not really.

And then there was Austin. And now I know.

On the great cloth that is our life Down Syndrome is just one thread. So many are woven together to make the intricate and beautiful pattern that it is today. Often that one lone thread goes unnoticed as it seamlessly blends with the others, but there's no denying that it's changed us. One little thread. One tiny little soul, teaching us lessons that some will wait a lifetime to learn.

That cashier has a momma just like me. She sent her baby out into a cruel world. One that he has very little opportunity in. Maybe he wanted to be a veterinarian. Maybe someone told him it wasn't possible, so he takes what is offered him and he does his best. His speech may falter but his heart is whole, please treat it gently.

New momma how I long to hug you. Yours is perhaps the most difficult job. You will spend the rest of your life trying to explain the blessing that is in your arms. Not many will understand the gift that we have been given, but Erma Bombecks words are true."She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word.' She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations." I have seen three little sets of feet take there first step. I have heard the melodious sounds of first words thrice over. I know what it is to feel pride. But I have never known to celebrate the small accomplishments. So many amazing things I never noticed. Little miracles that I once took for granted are now celebrated, and I am proud. So proud of my boy.

Seven months ago I read a birth story. A beautifully written homage to a new baby born with an extra chromosome. I noted the skill of the author and thought, "phew, thank goodness that's not gonna happen to me". I never thought of it again. Until last week. I came across it again while sharing Austin's Birth Story, and I reread it, and then I reread it again. This women and I who have never met share this bond. I am walking in her shoes , sharing my story and the love that I have for one almond eyed little one.

I have the ability now to try on many shoes. It's shown me how true compassion feels. Will you wear mine today? Will you be the mother that wants her son and each and every one like him to be raised in a world that celebrates their victories and rallies to lift them up when they fall?

So now you have my "shoes". What kind do you wear? Do you ever wish someone understood how you felt? Anyone willing to share it with me?

LOVE-This Week in Pictures

2011-02-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

I had a beautiful post planned out in my head when I first sat down to type, but after a few hours of messing around (I mean editing) my pictures my mind is pretty much a bowl full of jello. So you guys get a condensed version of what I wanted to say.

How do I say love? I say it in any langauge I can. I say it with hugs, kisses, and cuddles, but mostly love is Ken, Alli, Aidann, Austin, and Analeigh.

Love is days spent searching for treasure with firstborns.

Love is sometimes unexpected. A drop of wild color in a field of green, like this one lone clover daring to be different. A tiny heart held in the palm of a daughters hand.

Love is chaotic and messy and beautiful in all its glory.

Love is sleeping babies, with cheeks just begging to be kissed.

Love is holding the hands of those we love.

Love is in the setting sun, brilliant as it dips below the horizon.....

and in the moon as it rises to bid farewell.....

Love can be found in that moment. The moment where day and night meet. Lovers caught in a brief embrace, dancing to music only they can hear, arms reaching out as they part yet again......

Until tomorrow.....

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Mommy Guilt

2011-02-10T18:37:00.000-08:00

Anybody know what I'm talking about? You know the kind that I mean. The kind that has your heart all tied in knots when you need some big people time and your little ones stand at the door looking all miserable and forlorn as you drive away. Or maybe the kind that stings a little when you let Daddy do the tucking in so that you can write or read or study or whatever it is that you need to do. Maybe you're like me and when your babies look at you with little eyes that you created, you find yourself wondering why you go to work each day and leave them? And then you remember the time you tried staying home, and how you almost lost your sanity?

I've found myself struggling with balance so much recently. The yin and the yang that make up my life have been feuding for control of each other, and I find myself wondering will I ever feel like I'm enough? The kids rooms are clean but I miss our playtime. We have pillow fights and smores by the fireplace but I didn't wash the dishes. I spend hours pouring my heart and soul into my writing only to find my husband already asleep in our bed, our quiet time missed yet again. Some people want to be great..... I just want to be enough.

Does anyone have a recipe for the perfect life? You know 1 hour of dance class, plus 30 minutes of cleaning, followed by 15 minutes of occupational therapy, stir in 30 minutes of dress up time (no make-up), mix together with separated homework, followed by creamed knees after pulling weeds and the extra gray hairs from your newest stunt rider. Stir well. Bake on high Florida heat. Dip in cool water of pool. Sprinkle with leftover time with honey.

I guess I have a recipe that's kind of evolving. I'm adding and taking away, and finding the best blend for us. So far it's messy and yeah a little bit cheesy, but its also sweet and tender and oh so filling. And you know what? It's enough. I'm enough.

And yes I have to repeat this to myself over and over again I will. Because I am. And you are. All of us battling in the parenthood trenches doing our best for our kids, for ourselves, for each other. We may not be perfect, we may not be great, but what we are is enough....

As Maya Angelou said,

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Here's to feeling loved.....

Sweet dreams my friends. That is all<3

This Week in Pictures

2011-02-06T18:30:00.000-08:00

This week has been one of those weeks full of not much. You know the ones I'm talking about. Nothing exciting. Just life. The ebb and flow of school and dinner and laundry, with those little stolen moments of fun squeezed in. Like dirty faces. And taking pictures anyways because you know what. That's life.

This week was tiny little hands that I love, asleep in the afternoon sun.

and those same tiny hands getting their first taste of Florida oranges.

And while trying to take my promised picture each day I discovered some beauty and fun in the mess, and maybe, just maybe I enjoyed it.

In a few short weeks we'll be moving, and while I'm so excited to see what our next phase in life will be, it's hard not to feel a little tug on my heartstrings. Especially about leaving my Floridian oasis behind.

It's amazing what this week of being behind the camera lens has done for me. You look through your lens and it's like magic. With just the click of the button the ordinary becomes something else. A snapshot of a moment that you will never, ever get back, and that my friends is something to cherish. Especially if those snapshots are of two beautiful sisters, and oh so yummy Saturday morning breakfast.

And so in typical Julia style I'll end my post pretty abruptly, cause you know, when your done, your done. My week of not much turned out to be lots when I just looked at it a little closer, and maybe that's what life is all about. Slowing down. Looking closer. Enjoying the sunset......

and wishing on the first star you see that you never loose that ability.

Night all!!!

Complete Randomness

2011-02-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today I'm sick....

Seriously I'd love to write something beautiful and inspiring, filled with love or anger or any other emotion for that matter, but all I want to do is climb into bed with a nice hot cup of tea and will my body to stop aching.
Everything's kind of swimming around in my head right now, and I'm having a hard time getting all my thoughts from the last week organized into one coherent thought. And so randomness.

Part 1
I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and share Austin's birth story. This little boy that has changed and shaped me, continues to inspire me every day. I'm a better mommy.... a better friend.... a better person.... all because of him. We ARE shattering stereotypes people, by reading and sharing and loving we are making a difference. We are taking steps to raise our children in a world where ALL differences are welcomed and celebrated. I'm so proud to be on this journey with you.

Part 2
All across the country people are looking out their window at a flurry of white. Roads are closing, supplies are stowed, kids prepare for school days, and mommies prepare for cabin fever. It's cold and it's icy and it's....... totally not happening here. "Is this the part where I say na-na-na-na-boo-boo?" Today the weather was warm and balmy and as I sat on my front stoop soaking in all the greatness that a southern sunset brings I couldn't help but sigh and think...

"Florida...I <3 you"

Part 3
Those of you that have read my blog before know that photography is not my greatest skill. I'm much better on my keyboard then with my Canon. Practice makes perfect they say so when a mommy on my birth board suggested Project 365 I jumped at the opportunity. Well not really jumped. More like stretched my big toe out to cross the "I'm in line." So from now on Sundays will be my WEEK IN REVIEW post, which will feature one picture from each day of the week. I hope. You can check out my blogging buddies anytime to see their daily photographic entries. Blog please welcome Sarah, Jessi, Amanda, Rachel, Andrea, Ashley, and Nicole their babies have "vanilla chromosomes" and all share a birth month with my littlest A.

***Disclaimer-The term Vanilla Chromosomes came from a brilliant mommy from my Down Syndrome support board. ***

This is a sneak peak from my "session" today with Analeigh Rose. Ohhhh be still my heart!!!

Part 4
Occasionally I use this space to complain about life. It's my outlet and my therapy. Today is not one of those days. Today as I sit and type these words I'm saying to anyone that will listen. I am lucky. So lucky. To be where I am today. Safe in this house with all of that I love tucked into sleep in beds that I make. Tonight two babies that I love sleep in cribs in cold hospital rooms, the steady cadence of monitors their lullabies, as their little bodies fight a serious case of RSV. Their mommy and daddy are counting the minutes until they get to bring them home. Please think of them tonight.
Almost done guys, my bottle of Nyquil is whispering sweet nothings in my ear, but before I go one more favor. I have been very inspired and comforted since Austin's diagnoses by other mommies who walk the same path as I. One of those mommies is Sheva talented author of My Shtub and she is battling an illness today. In her faith when someone is ill you make an offering to charity in their name. Anything will do, a penny, an old pair of shoes, your time. I know that times today are very hard, but if you can please think of my friend Sheva, and give so that she might make a full recovery and continue to inspire us all.

On This Day

2011-01-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder and the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, "Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze...over the ocean and through the trees...

Until everyone heard it and everyone knew of the one and only ever you.
-Nancy Tillman-

Six months....One hundred eighty four days.... Four thousand four hundred sixteen hours.....just yesterday....a lifetime ago....

On July 27^th 2010 my son Austin Bradley Harrison came bursting into this world. I plan to always remember it as the first time he proved someone wrong. The doctors had decided he wasn't ready to be born. Austin had different ideas.....Those moments are a blur in my mind, a collage of sound and pain. People screaming.People running. Someone saying...“Don’t push.” “I have to.” “The Doctor's not here” “I can’t wait.” My boy made his grand entrance on a gurney. And as I pushed his slippery body into the arms of the closest nurse my world stopped.

They gently placed him on my stomach and my heart sank. There was something wrong. He was almost silent while they cleaned him. There were no tears or protests. And over a room just moments before filled with chaos, an unnatural hush had fallen. And the silence hurt. I screamed “why isn’t he crying', and no one said a word. No one said a word as my in-laws rushed into the room moments after he was born. No one said a word as I withdrew from my son and told myself I was just tired. No one said a word. But I knew. I looked into my son's dark almond eyes and I knew. Everyday for the last nine months I had been waiting to hold this life in my arms, but somehow now I couldn’t bear it. So I spent the night on Auto Pilot and waited for someone to tell me I was wrong. Morning came and with it our pediatrician. I remember a nurse came with her and stood by the door. There was no turning back; my life was spinning out of control. I heard my Doctors wavering voice and couldn't focus, I only heard Trisomy 21. Trisomy 21. Down Syndrome. My baby had Down Syndrome. My brain shrieks, “There must be some mistake.” The Doctor left us. My heart was breaking, and we just sat. My husband and I sat not saying a word. The unknown is frightening, and we were plunging head first into the abyss. After all what did we know? Our experience was limited to a teenager who occasionally sat a few pews in front of us at church. I was so sorry for him and his family. After all Down Syndrome is horrible. Isn’t it?

Soon we were home. Still I was numb.... I think I smiled. I think I spoke. I think I prayed. But I don't remember. I know I mourned. I watched life happen around me. Others were here to carry on when I could not, as we waited for a blood test to prove what I already knew. And they came. And they were positive. And I cried. I cried such horrible gut wrenching tears that I thought my eyes might swell shut. I cried on the floor in my room while my Husband held my son and his Nana held us all and his Granddaddy struggled for words to help us. "Children, at least you got to bring your baby home." And he was right. Over the next few days I watched my other children with their new brother. They didn't notice he was different. Their love was untainted by stigma and stereotype. I watched them and I was ashamed. I examined myself and came up lacking. My babies, my most beautiful precious possessions made me open my eyes and see my son. My son. Not his diagnoses. And I fell in love. I spent hours examining him, searching for the thing that made him different from you and me. I will tell you what I saw. The cutest chubby little hands, with one line straight across his palm. My palm has two lines. A flat profile with an adorable little button nose. My nose is by no means small and cute. And his eyes, his amazing little almond shaped eyes. They're not like yours or mine. When Austin looks at you with those eyes it's like he can see your soul.

The heartache and the anger I felt in those first few weeks is but a distant memory, like faded writing on the yellowed page of a weathered book time erases all. But occasionally I pull out this "book," and reverently stroke it's tear stained pages and pay homage to those precious moments. Because as much as I gave birth to Austin, he gave birth to me.

My baby has Down Syndrome. I can say that today and feel almost nothing. Just like I might say my baby was born with Diabetes. It's scary at first yes. It effects our lives in a big way yes, but does it define my son? The answer is no. My boy can do anything. There may be days when he has to try harder, but I will be there fully present ready to help him every step of the way, and he will continue to prove people wrong. My son and others like him are ambassadors to this generation. They are here to shatter stereotypes. It's happening now. They are small business owners, and artists, ballet dancers, and chefs, and yes even college graduates. They have social lives, and passion, and they fall in love. See them. They have the weight of the world on their shoulders as they struggle to overcome cruelty, ignorance, and prejudice. Help them. Reexamine what you think you know about Down Syndrome. I did. We all fear what we don’t know. So help educate. Pass the word. Change the world.

Please?

Julia

A Grown Up Playdate

2011-01-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying I love my children. Though anyone who reads my blog should be able to tell that I live and breathe them, what I'm about to say might be best interpreted after reading the above statement.

I love my children, and I love being Mommy, but occasionally I need to be something else. I need to be wife. I need to be Julia, and sometimes I need to be reminded.

In November my hubby and I were scheduled to head out to Vegas for a three day two night mini vacation. I was excited. We've always taken a trip in the fall, usually for a whole week, but the night before my excitement turned to anxiety. It seems as though since we had Austin I've held my breath. Waiting for the proverbial other foot to drop. Would something happen well we were away? So a mere eight hours before our departure, my amazingly understanding husband canceled our flight and our room at the Bilagio without a single protest. I've spent lots of time since then feeling guilty. I know that this man has struggled to. He received the same news as I. His veiw of perfection has been changed just like mine. He needs me now more than ever as his partner, not just the mother of his babies.

And so we had a date. A beautiful birthday date. Just far enough from home to make it exciting and just close enough to keep me at ease.

And I'm reminded of how important this is. The romance and closeness, and the good feeling that you get when you work at something, because all good things are worth working for. Even if working means leaving the centers of your universe at home.

So this is me... today not posting as Mommy of Alli, Aidann, Analeigh, and Austin....

But as Julia, wife to Ken.

Happy Birthday baby.

Here's to another 32 together.

Le Petit Posts...AKA I Have So Many Ideas and Not Enough Time Post

2011-01-18T20:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think back to the time before I had babies...I remember vaguely that I thought I had a pretty busy life. I think that if I had my very own Delorian I'd travel back in time and say to myself, "Self take more naps, oh, and also if you think about it, buy stock in hair dye cause you'll be needing alot of it." Sadly, I'm no Marty Mcfly and Doc Brown for some reason doesn't ever visit Florida, so I guess my younger childless self will have to learn all on her own. (I promise I'm going somewhere with this guys....bare with me.)Now present me knows that there really is no way to turn back the clock, but I can't help but fantasize about having just a little more time in the day. Just a tiny bit. A little smidgen. And you know what I'd do with it?

I'd write.

I'd sit at this computer and I'd write. My hands would fly over keys, as my tapping fingers made music, line after melodic line, and my words would be like a vessel to all of my emotions. I would write so that the world could see from my chair. So that they could feel what I feel and hear what I hear. I'd write our life. All of it; because even the tiniest most insignificant little thing is important.

If father time should grant me a whim, I'd make the post "From the Mouth of Babes." I would tell you about August,

and how he stole my heart from the moment that I saw him sitting on the floor of his living room, and that I think I was always meant to know him. I'd tell you how he and his big brother Gray battle low muscle tone and how that same condition is the cause of most physical and speech delays among people with Down Syndrome, and that those two boys have helped inspired me to suck it up through many a therapy session. I'd tell you how I love to talk to his Mommy so she can fill me in on all the Auggie cuteness, the newest being, "Whatcha singing Auggie?"......"My favorite song"...."Nationwide is on your side." And I'd throw in the story of our homecoming from a Mommy/Daddy trip to Jamaica. Where it was apparently jelly fish spawning season, and how as I regaled the story of my heroic evasion of the swarm a four year old Aidann looked up at me so solemnly and said, "Mommy what flavor jellyfish were they? Strawberry or Grape?

If the hands of my clock would turn a bit slowly. I'd write a post about advocacy and this blogs part in my role as a Down Syndrome Advocate. I'd tell you something I shared with another mommy when her role in our community was questioned. We parents are like rivers. Some of us rage and claw at the earth, forcing it to yield or be swallowed up in our path. Others are like a mountain stream, steady and resilient, ever patient as it slowly changes it's course. We may travel at different paces, but we all make changes to the land. I've not yet decided what type of water I am. I'm inclined to feel pretty comfortable as the stream, making change by simply rolling along, but occasionally a great storm will come, and when it does I rage. I rage and I claw and I advocate so fiercely that every word trembles with power and determination, because I want to move mountains, and I want it done today. But then there is this...

and this....

and this little man, he advocates just by being.

Tonight as my husband comes out to kiss me good night, I'm torn between the heaviness of my eyes, and the conclusion of this post. I want to share how Alli started dance, and how those long limbs lend themselves so gracefully to ballet, when it seems like just yesterday those same limbs were curled inside me. The girl that made me a women is growing up. Occasionally I wish for an exorcist, but for the most part I'm excited to see the big girl she's becoming. My Aidann he's growing up to, and if there are any Granddaddies reading this post, we've got Pinewood Derby coming up, and my boy and his daddy might be going a little overboard on their entry. They may be in need of a little guidance. And Analeigh, sweet Analeigh Rose, she went to timeout today in school. She served her time, quietly got up, walked over and hit her teacher. Then without another word stomped over to the timeout chair and climbed back up. Yes dear readers. She's two.

And with that I'm done. My husbands warm arm and a snugly baby boy awaits. Sweet Dreams.

My Rain

2011-01-13T19:46:00.000-08:00

This week started with rain. The kind that brings with it a dark maelstrom of swirling clouds, where howling winds send even the most stalwart of travelers scurrying for safety, as rain falls like sheets of glass across the horizon. It was the kind of storm that you know is on its way, but as you watch it roll in you're surprised by the savagery of it all. The way it beats at your walls like a hungry wolf, let me in, let me in, and you huddle inside with all that you love held near, praying that your shelter holds. This week that started with rain finds me with a stormy soul, and even though I had time to prepare, I am surprised by the savage way that my emotions are beating at my heart, and words are failing me.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I am angry.

On Monday I got the news that someone that I love very much needs a new kidney. She was told to fill out her paperwork right away. Her need is very great, and though she has a willing donor in me she chooses to try other altnernatives. She chooses to turn me away because though it will lengthen her life she worries it might limit mine. Still we laughed. It's what we do she and I. We laugh because if we don't laugh we will cry, and she never cries.
Austin had tubes put in on Tuesday, this was done in hopes of reversing the acute hearing loss in his right ear, but we have always felt blessed that the hearing in his left ear was impeccable. As a nurse carried my littlest baby away from me I told myself, "you are lucky, so many mommies have to deal with so much worse." I thanked God when they brought him back to my crying but whole, with his new tubes in place and no less then twenty needle holes where various anestesioligist tried to insert an IV.
We spent last night at a childrens clinic in Orlando, a pulmonologist is trying to gain some insight as to why Austin has coughed almost every day of his young life. As we drove down the turnpike to the city I had a quiet moment to reflect, and I prayed for answers. I want him free of the cough that rips through is tiny body, I want him to sleep the innocent sleep of a baby, undisturbed by spasms and spells and wheeze. But last night as I watched them hook this newest piece of me up to wire after wire something inside me broke.

And my shelter is failing. And I'm trying to hold it together, because I know that this storm will pass. But it hurts. Oh how it hurts. I'm tired of being positive. I'm tired of saying oh this isn't so bad, when really I want to scream..... THIS ISNT FAIR!!! Why can't I fix my baby? Why can't I fix this women that I love? Why can't I fix my heart? And I want to scream at the hungry wolf howling at my door.....DAMN IT WOLF, GO AWAY, because I'm angry, and I want to fight, and there's no one to fight.

So I cling to the ones I love. They are balm to my troubled spirit. Slowly I'm sure the suns rays will burn off the clouds. This deluge will be reduced to a distant memory. Leaving nothing behind but the crisp feeling that follows a storm. Like the world is reawakening with a clean new slate.

I'm waiting for this to happen, but until it does here's to rainboots.

Dear Downy,

2011-01-06T20:18:00.000-08:00

In my last post I wrote about getting caught up on life. When I wrote it I felt nostalgic and passionate. As I sat at this desk and reviewed all those amazing moments last year brought my life I cried great tears of joy.

Today as I write my I'm crying a different kind of tear, because today I realized now that I'm caught up on life I need to get caught up on laundry.

Disclaimer for my In-Laws: I promise they're clean and will get
put away eventually. Hopefully before your next visit.

I know what you're thinking. "How can someone that's such an incredible writer be such a horrible house keeper?"Okay so maybe you weren't thinking that but if you were here's the thing. I'm so in love with my babies and my husband that I can barely breathe when I'm away from them. The mantel of Mommy and Wife is one I wear very proudly, it's my life's work and my greatest talent. Erma Bombeck said "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me." Someday when I stand before my maker, I hope I can look back on my life and say, "God you gave me talent, and I used it everyday, I gave it all to my family and I wouldn't have it any other way." And when I'm gone my children will think fondly of the days we shared together. Hopefully,with a little luck, the piles of unfolded laundry will fade from their memories, replaced instead with spur of the moment theme dinners, costumes, and goofy faced pictures snapped with camera phones.

Or maybe they'll remember our first annual Boys V Girls Gingerbread competition. The one that still doesn't have a winner because all of our visitors say "I'm not sure guys, they're both equally amazing" when they're dragged over to compare and judge as soon as they walk through our door. (Please feel free to end our feud by voting in the comments field. All results will be strictly confidential. Well at least to the kids, you can be sure I'll be gloating around Ken when you declare the girls the winner.)

In case you couldn't tell which is which the girls have the
snowy cottage on the left-the boys are the modern car condo on the right.
I'm not sure but that may be the Michelin Man standing guard.

So maybe I'm not so great about laundry. Who needs wrinkle free clothes anyway? I've got a great life doing what I do best and every busy mommy's secret weapon.....

So if you read this please take my advice. Let your house get dirty once in a while. Kick your heels up and live a little. Loosen that tie and go dance with your wife, put down that parenting book and enjoy your kids. Let the laundry go and buy some wrinkle releaser. There is time for work tomorrow.

P.S. I was not paid by Downy to post about their wrinkle releaser, but if someone from Downy should read this we might be able to work something out. "Will post for free wrinkle releaser" hint hint......

Live

2011-01-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

It has been nearly two weeks since I sat at my computer and typed. I have found that though writing about life brings me such joy, sometimes it's best to back away from the desk and just live. The holidays I think, are one of those times.

And so we did. We backed away from the desk and we got caught up in living, and I added a few moments to the "always remember file" I keep locked away in my brain. Like the way Analeigh says "Happy Kriffmis," and how this was the year that my almost grown but not quite Alli asked for an I-Pod and a American Girl Doll. Like how we broke tradition and skipped Candle Light Service at Church this year, but there has never been a Silent Night so sweet as the one sung a cappella in front of our fire place. Then as we counted down the clock to greet the New Year I thought back on all those moments this year has given me.

This year gave me a first and a second grader.

This year gave me a two year old.

This year gave me crashing waves and laughter and memories that will last a lifetime.

This year gave me perfection. Two girls and a boy and another on the way.

This wonderful soul searing year gave me Austin, and for a time my world was shaken, and I knew my life would never be the same.

This year gave me this moment. The moment that the man that holds my heart holds our son and nothing else matters.

This might be my favorite picture ever. It was taken right after the Doctor came.

This year changed me. Like clay on a potters wheel it stretched me and shaped me.

This year gave me perfection. Two girls and two boys. It's not glossy and neat, it's not glamorous or magazine worthy, it's not predictable, and because of that it is. It's life and it's real and it's mine and it's perfect for me.

This year gave me this blog. Thank you all so much for reading.

Love,

Julia

Wordless Wednesday-2 Days till Christmas

2010-12-22T19:52:00.000-08:00

Christmas Randomness and Run On Sentences

2010-12-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you go to call the doctor and then on the way there you trip over some shoes so you go to put the shoes away and then realize you are forgot to switch the clothes into the dryer so you have to wash them because they smell but your out of detergent so you have to run to the store and then in the store you remember you need formula so you grab it and check out and then load all the kiddos in the car and head for home, and then realize you forgot the damn detergent and the Doctors office just closed?

Dizzy yet? Cause I am.

There is so much to do during this time of year, I feel like my whole month could be described with one really long run on sentence. No punctuation no paragraph breaks just words on a page going on and on and on....

But there's been some really good stuff this month.

Cookie baking marathon. There's nothing quite so amazing as watching your babies grow up. I watched my two first born stir and bake and chop and I remembered the first time we did this. Oh how much they've grown. Soon they'll think they're to big for this kind of forced family fun . For now I'm cherishing these moments of floured faces and stolen bites of dough, hoping they don't grow up to leave me, and praying that when and if they do God will give me the strength to let them.

Gingerbread houses Boys V Girls- Yes my friends we are having a Friendly competition. No rules..... just gingerbread houses and the way-over-the-top-ness that makes my family so much fun. And we're off......

The girls are out of the gates ahead when Alli comes up with Rice Crispie Treat Mnt......but rapidly fall back when they realize that 2 boxes of Rice Crispies really only makes a hill and its not nearly as awe inspiring as they had hoped. Now the boys with their slow start have started to gain momentum, and are proving to be serious contenders with their realistic Christmas lights, and whats that I see in their secret ingredient stash? Gold Sugar?

So who will win? Will the Alli get too confident.....Will Analeigh Rose get hungry and decide that Mr. Marshmallow Man doesn't really need to live on Rice Crispie Hill....What if Aidann decides that Daddy was right and that every house should have a pile of yellow snow?

Stay tuned to find out.

And somewhere amidst the chaos of hanging and rehanging lights, cookies and ginger bread, doctors and therapy sessions, my Designer Gened Angel has learned his first sign. Can you guess what it was?

MOMMY!!!!

I never thought the site of chubby little hands could take my breathe away, that a simple thumb to chin with tiny splayed fingers, might mean more to me than 1000 presents under our tree. This time last year my Austin was barely a plus sign on a white stick. Today he is here. He is here, and he is so much more than I thought he would be. He is here, and our family is so much more than I thought we could be.

Happy Countdown to Christmas!!!!

Baby It's Cold Outside

2010-12-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

Seriously...... It's freezing.

Old Man Winter is visiting the land of sunshine today, greeting us Floridians with icy kisses and wintry breathe. Usually his arrival sends me scurrying to the computer, searching for tropical destinations,balmy breezes, and sun soaked skin, but not this time. Maybe it's the season, or maybe I'm just more appreciative this year, but I feel like I'm getting reacquainted with an old friend.

Last night we tucked the all the A's into warm beds, grabbed the baby monitor and the camera and hightailed across the golf course behind the house for a little Mommy/Daddy quiet time. You see I'm a white light kind of girl. Give me some white icicle lights, some pine boughs, a few red bows, and I'm happy. Not my husband. His Christmas Nirvana flashes, whistles, and glitters, all synchronized to Christmas carols. In his Christmas fantasy inflatables would fill our yard, and a huge animatronic elf would wave a sign that said "Santa Stop Here." So we had a little clandestine light looking, and as we peeked over the fence that separates us solidly middle class folk from the big boys on the lake I think we may have found a good compromise.

I'm sure it will only take 10 or 15 years to save enough money for our own little piece of Holiday Heaven.

So today finds me cold but content, finding it impossible not to smile when the A's looks so adorable all bundled up in hats and mittens. My little burritos with rosy cheeks and cherry noses, and how can you not be in the Christmas mood when there's a chance we might see......Dare I say it?
Yes I do.....SNOW!!!!!!!

The sky is dark, the wind is blowing, the temperature is dropping, and tonight my babies will look to the heavens and wish.

Coming this week- Gingerbread Cottages- Boys v Girls

The blank screen

2010-12-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

I set this blog up weeks ago. I needed a place to put my thoughts, an outlet on the nights that there’s so much in my head that it won’t turn off and sleep is an unattainable goal. But I see this blank screen if front of me and it’s intimidating. Where do I start? I’ve started this first post countless times. What should I write? I mean there's nothing exciting or glamorous about my life. My right ring finger is becoming intimately connected to the backspace button. But not tonight. Tonight as my four babies lie snugged in their beds, and my husband clicks through 500 channels before he finally settles for the first one just to change again during commercial break, I've got it. That feeling. The one where the planets align and you know, just know, that this is exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. I wish I could reach out and grab it up and bottle it for a day when life is not so easy, and I'm not so sure. We all have them. Maybe you've had to make the rough choice to end an unhappy marriage but you're lonely. Maybe the economy has forced you to make some tough financial decisions, and you find yourself wondering what you could have done differently. Maybe your new baby was born with a "little something extra", and you pray everyday that you're being the mommy he needs you to be. No one likes these times. We all want things to be easy, but it's these defining moments in our lives that show us how great we can truly be. We rise to the occasion and become something more. Something we never thought we could be and it's beautiful to behold.

The last few years have brought some unexpected twists to the path I had plotted for my life. There are days like today when I feel confident that I know the way. Likewise there are days when I find myself lost or uncertain, wishing that this life of mine came with a map. There are no maps to lead me from point A to point B, but on these days of doubt I take comfort in others that walk a similar path. They inspire me, and I have learned that more often than not the most beatiful vistas can be seen only after navigating the most treachorous terrain, that breathtaking sights lie just off the beaten path. There is no map to life, but maybe getting lost isn't so bad. Maybe we need to get lost sometimes to really find ourselves.